Things I've learned in 2021 - Part 2

As I look back at this year, here are some of the things I’ve learned in this crazy and chaotic year.

1) Grief is deep and it’s doesn’t always have a funeral

When a person experiences a loss, we experience grief. Grief is a necessary part of living. There are 5 stages to grief; denial. anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. All of these stages are needed for us to fully heal from any loss in our life. There is no order to the stages, nor is there any timeframe. We all travel through grief differently. When a loved one dies, there is a sense of finality at the close of the funeral; a release of tension. However, when we experience loss of relationships there is no funeral. When I have counseled with people who have experienced divorce this is how they describe it- a funeral except the body is walking around. There’s no finality, no resolution. This is the kind of grief I experienced in early 2021. I saw them but I was cut out of their lives. I wept for 3 months. I cried more at the beginning of 2021 then I ever have. Every worship song I would listen to would bring me to tears. I could even say the name of the church without feeling like I wanted to cry. My grief was no joke!

So what moved me out of this state? Hope. Hope is such a powerful concept. I’ve always had hope of brighter tomorrows. I am an optimistic person, who looks to what’s next. I’m fascinated by discovery, I’m drawn to exploration. I tend to think the best is in front of me not behind me. I’m not nostalgic in any way, so when we launched Hope Community Church I was drawn to see what could be accomplished. I saw the possibility and God showed us His glory. What I now see is that there were a group of people that wanted something different, something real, something authentic and when Hope moved to Princeton, they came and they brought their friends and it continued to give me hope and once again I could see the possible, I could see what’s next. I will be forever grateful for the people of Hope that allowed this broken guy to work out his grief in their midst

2) Forgiveness is tough

After what I went through at the end of 2020 (see part 1) I really found it hard to forgive some people. Now I’ve preached on forgiveness many times and have implored people to forgive others when their hurt and I’ve forgiven lots of people in my past but this time it hit different. I don’t know if it was the betrayal, the loss of friendships, the unfriending, the ignoring or what but I really had to work at forgiving people that I felt harmed me or my family. During this year Matthew 6:14 has rattled around in my brain it says “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.” I tried and I declared it but it still flickered because I hadn’t snuff out every ember. It threatened to turn to bitterness that’s why I had to fight. Fight every day to see others in the light of Christ. When I began to remember that these people were my brothers and sisters in Christ I started the path of forgiveness. I then began to pray for them and tried to remember the good years and that people shouldn’t be defined by 1 decision or 1 moment. That’s when forgiveness took hold. Do we have a relationship. No but that isn’t where forgiveness leads. It leads to healing in my heart. The rest is up to God.

3) My anger has another level and it scared me

It was my anger that started this mess. I’m not one that is prone to anger, I don’t have an anger issue (according to my therapist) but as I moved through my grief I hit the anger stage and I didn’t experience normal anger- I experienced an anger, that for the first time, made me seriously think out doing bodily harm to another human being. One individual had so disgusted me and revolted me that I was on the border between dislike and hate. I have never hated anyone but this individual has gotten me the closest to that line that I have ever been. This individual had lied, deceived, manipulated people, made accusations and to top it all off had gone after my children with lies and innuendo , with the intent of causing me problems in my family. I was beyond furious. Later, after I left, more accusations made their way to me. This individual was trying to weave a narrative that tried to ruin my legacy, my integrity and my anger burned even hotter. I have never been that angry in my life.

So, where is that anger now? Gone. How? Jesus working through my wife, my family, my friends and my church helped dissipate that anger and see it for what it really was- a prison of my own choosing. I was so focused one that one individual, that I was missing the good in my life. At the end of 2020 my oldest daughter gave birth to my newest granddaughter. She is precious. One look at her and my heart melted. Many times when I got all in my head my daughter in law would send me pictures of my oldest granddaughter, Ella. Looking at those two, made realize that this individual wasn’t worth anymore of my time or headspace and I let it go.

4) Grace is amazing but not if it’s cheap

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the German pastor who lost his life to the Nazi’s for opposing Hitler defined cheap grace as “ the grace we bestow on ourselves. Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance, baptism without church discipline, Communion without confession...Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ, living and incarnate.”

That’s not the grace that I have experienced this year. One of my favorite moments of the week is Sunday mornings at 7:30am. That’s when a bunch of guys, around my age, get together to load in the equipment we need for church on Sunday’s. What takes place for that hour that we setup and connect the equipment is priceless. Guys like Jerry, Dennis, Clark, Kevin, Rick, Scotty, Jeff, Chad, Andy, Caleb, Tim, and Mark share, laugh, talk and generally have a good time talking about our week, kids or whatever. It’s an hour filled with grace and I have encountered so much healing from that one hour on Sunday. That one hour never fails to get me ready for what is to come in the service and when the day comes that we no longer have to load in I will miss it. Because of the grace that I have experienced, it’s allowed me to show that grace towards others. I am a better man because of that one hour.

5) Lastly, I learned my wife is fierce and I’m loved

We’ve been married for 32 years!! That’s a long time. My wife has always loved me, she may not have liked me sometimes , but she loved me. This year I saw the depth of that love as she fiercely stood by my side. One of the reasons I was ok resigning is because she was adamant that I no longer subject myself to being beaten down. There were times in the last year that i would have to calm her down (lol) she would be so angry for me. I sometimes forget the toll that pastoring takes on my family. They don’t always like being in the fish bowl. Sometimes I wonder if they resent it. My family means everything to me and I am protective but I also am adamant that I will allow nothing to come between us. In 2020 we had some squabbles and i sometimes said things that hurt them and made them mad and I have to apologize for it because I don’t want there to be a gulf between us. Some of the best moments I ever have are with them. I love them with my whole heart. I’ve had to get used to a new dynamic in my family. For the 1st time not all of my family go to the same church as I do. That’s been a difficult adjustment this year but I refuse to allow that to harm my relationship with them. This is what God does with us. He allows nothing to get in the way of loving us. The Apostle Paul noted this in Romans 8 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have learned alot this year. As I said at the beginning it’s one of the hardest and best years I’ve had. I’ve grown through it and I’m even more optimistic about the future.

To my wife and family: I love you with all of my heart and being

To my friends: You are the absolute best, I couldn’t have made it without you!

To Hope Community: I love you and the best is yet to come

To Vertical: I will always love you and pray that God shines His grace on you.