Things I've learned in 2021 - Part 1
Every year I take some time at the end of the year to consider what I’ve learned. It is always my hope to not repeat the mistakes I have made in the past year. Unfortunately, I’m not always successful at it. This past year has been, on one hand, one of the most difficult I’ve experienced and on the other hand, one of the best. It’s funny how life is sometimes, that things can be devastating but good can come from it. For example, in this year I lost friendships, my church, my spiritual family but I gained new friends, a new church and a new spiritual family. It reminds me of Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. I truly felt this verse all year.
To really understand the things I learned this year, you have to understand the seminal event that both plagued me and motivated me in 2021- The reason I left the church I pastored for 19 years. That moment, at the end of 2020, devastated me and shaped my 2021. I remember vividly my last moment standing before that congregation, I did something which is so not me. I wept, I cried hard. My heart was broken. I was walking away from the church that I loved, the church that I raised my kids in, the church that was like family. Why did I leave? I told the congregation on that day that I was tired and that God had told me it was time to go but that wasn’t the full story. I was tired. I was tired of the fighting and arguing that had been going on for the prior 2 months. I was tired of the ugliness of it all and so, in my spirit, on a cold Monday night in late December, God spoke to my heart and told me that it was ok to leave and that I needed to move on.
Some of you may be wondering why I’m bringing this up. You might say; It’s been a year already and you’re in a new church, what good would it do now? The good it does is to help me fully heal. I have never spoken publicly as to why I left. I’ve shot down some rumors and many have speculated but I haven’t spoken it publicly. So why now and not earlier? A few reasons:
Early on I was grieving and anything I said then would come from that place. When I look back at some of the blogs I wrote earlier in the year, many of them came from that place
I’m no longer angry. I was angry for a long time. My thoughts were dark and scary and anything I would have said would have been from that place of anger and I would have lost all of my credibility. A few things came out and my good friend and fellow pastor, Joey called me on it and I deleted some posts. He truly was looking out for me during this time and was definitely Heaven sent.
I wasn’t able to talk about it. During the first 3 months of the year I was under a non-disclosure agreement. In order to get my severance, I had to sign an agreement to remain silent. I have never heard of a church using such agreements. Businesses use them all the time to protect trade secrets. What I have learned since signing is that the churches that use them, do so to control the narrative. In this agreement I could not speak against any elder and was prevented from sharing any secret information, namely about the large increase in salary’s that was enacted. (I still have that agreement that I signed)
So why did I leave? First it starts with me. On Tuesday, October 27, I stood before my staff and yelled and swore at them and then preceded to hit a white board with enough force that shook the wall. I was mad, frustrated, and pissed off about what I believed was the lack of effort of some staff members and all that frustration boiled out. I didn’t apologize to them for that for a week. Within the week, the elders got involved, I was suspended and that’s where the wheels came off. I don’t blame them for getting involved but there was one among their number that had a different agenda then the others. Over the next 2 months were some of the most contentious meetings that I have been in and even though I had apologized publicly and many times privately to what I had done, it was used like a hammer to beat me into submission. These meetings got so bad that 1 elder was voted off the board because of “conflict of interest” because he continued to demand answers as to why things were being done the way they were and in protest one staff member resigned, but I still held out hope that it could be fixed.
On Sunday night, December 13 we held a congregational meeting that was long, contentious and heart breaking. I watched as several families got up and left, shaking their heads on the way out. Plenty of blame can go around but needless to say we failed at representing Christ that night. Unknown to most people there is that I almost quit in the middle of the proceedings. During one exchange, what I had done during the staff meeting in October was brought up again and I had had enough. I grabbed my resignation and was headed to the podium when I was grabbed by one of the elders and he pleaded with me not to do it. We talked for a bit and I put it away. At the end of that meeting, I was fully prepared to work at reconciliation and I believed that the congregation was there as well. We ended that night in prayer at the alter and it seemed like we had taken a first step back from the brink. I went home cautiously optimistic and worked on a few things that I could present to the elders in our meeting the next night that I believed would help the church move forward. It was the events of the next night that would cause me to resign.
As we opened the meeting the next night, several elders were gloating about how well they had handled the meeting the previous night, saying they had received feedback from a few about how well they withstood the “onslaught” of the dissenting members of the congregation. Needless to say, I did not agree with their assessment. The mood was definitely not one of reconciliation. At one point the dissenting members were derogatorily called a gang and the pastor that had resigned was called out as the leader of the gang. Many of the members of the “gang” were long-time members of the church, longer then the elder who said it. They had sacrificed, served, wept and prayed over their church for years and all they wanted were answers and for them to be called a gang hurt my heart. As the meeting progressed, I gave my list of things that I thought we had to do to right the ship. While speaking about these things, many were nodding their heads in agreement. When I finished, one elder asked me if I was done then proceeded to rip every proposal to shreds, even though he had not prayed or took time to consider them. (Interesting enough, after I left many of those proposals were put into place). He proceeded to call me a liar and question my integrity all while the other elders sat by and never said a word. It was at that moment that I realized that I was done. I sat back in my chair, resigned to the fact it was over.
I went home and talked to Janet. Told her what had happened and we discussed it, fighting back tears. I went in my back yard, sat down, drank a beer and prayed. I asked God, out loud, to confirm what I felt in my heart and He did. I went in and went to bed and slept the best sleep I had gotten in 2 months.
The next day I resigned.
Tomorrow in part 2 I will share the things that I’ve learned in 2021 and what God has been teaching me.
